I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
