you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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