Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
