just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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