Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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