I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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