My friends, they love my intelligence
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
