get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
