it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
