Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
