You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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