His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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