it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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