i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
