Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
