Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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