im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
