I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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