I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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