it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
