I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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