should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
