im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
