my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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