I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
