I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
