In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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