He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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