i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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