I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
