There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
