I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
