ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
