cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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