Swine flu. Run for my life!
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
