It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
