I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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