I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
jump out the window naked night went bad
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
