Heybabeimwearingurpanties
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Randomize
