I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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