she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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