That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
A bitchslap is in order.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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