Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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