dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
