What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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