There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Vodka?
Forever.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
