I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There r osticjed everywhere
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
