when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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