U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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