My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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