I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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